Today, I fought the ocean…

…& I lost! The story goes a little way back.

Upon arriving on these sunny shores down under, I had my eager eyes peeled for her. I knew the ‘right one’ was waiting for me somewhere. I had been waiting all my life to meet her, and had been increasingly desperate over the last 3 or 4 years to get to know her intimately. I first set my eyes upon her last Saturday. She is tall (6’10), slim (2’6/9), & so shapely – beautiful curves. She is pale, but holds it well. She has seen a few years, but still looks great. It was love at first sight, and I knew straight away that she could help me in many ways, & we could learn together. We hit it off straight away and knew we would be an enviable couple. She was the new South African in my life. Full of hope, promise, and great excitement.

After first meeting her, I was just waiting for the perfect chance for us to spend some quality time together. To really get to know each other & let people see us in public together. When I woke this morning, it was the most beautiful day – I knew it was my chance. How could she resist my charm?! With a skip in my step (not a pansy one), a vibrant sun, brilliant blue skies, & a crisp breeze, everything was set for the most beautiful of love affairs to flourish.

Then I saw him. We were just enjoying the ocean together. Sure I was struggling with the rips and foot over head high curlers, but after all our relationship was meant to be founded on enterprise and discovery of what was seemingly beyond our limits (& she was performing beautifully – as you would expect from a South African). Besides, she told me she felt she was created for this relationship.

But he! He colluded with the mighty ocean to bring us down and threaten this beautiful relationship in its infancy. Fin drove his ugly paws into the heart of my sweetheart as she grappled with the might of the ocean. It felt more painful than a stab to my own heart, though no doubt if Fin had stabbed my heart with the power of the ocean behind him I would not be here to recount the tale.

She took the fall for me.

As I held her in my arms with the crystal stormy seas swamping my hopes, I feared she may be dieing. The end was stealing the show before we had even begun.

But she is a fighter. Not only is she elegant, attractive & slim, but she is sturdy, strong, & determined. I will see her again. We will flourish as a couple. We will overcome. And we will defeat the ocean, even if it sees the end of me!

Jonny 'wave rider' (not!) Richards

Publishers & critical praise direct your enquiries & comments to: jonnyarichards@googlemail.com.
Alternative versions of this true story are available on the phone line only.

NB: Fin has repented of his wrong-doing & full reconciliation has occurred. No casualties were caused in the recounting of this tale.

** The absolute truth of all statements contained above are not historically verifiable and thus cannot be guaranteed – they get the general vibe though (a bit like Braveheart got the general vibe of Anglo-Celtic relations in history!)**